This morning at our monthly breakfast, my girl friend L told us that she found – and killed – a mouse in her kitchen. She needed to talk about it because this is a traumatizing experience, through and through. She’d also mentioned that her wife didn’t really want her sharing this story with others because we might conclude they keep a dirty house.

But you know what K said? “Oh yeah we have a mouse right now.”

And M added “Everyone’s had a mouse.”

Then I explained my adventure trying to chase one as it ran across my baseboards. (It would seem I can’t outrun a mouse.)

We shared a laugh and L felt better because we normalized what she worried was weird.

We think the rough spot we’re going through is something rare but in reality as soon as we share our experiences with others we find out we’re not alone.

Far from it. 

This is important because when we feel like we’re alone, we close up. (I blame our hyper-independence, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps cultural mythos.) The pressure builds and our stress skyrockets. We don’t feel right with ourselves because we’re loaded down with embarrassment, like we’ve failed at life. 

And I hate to be all Brene Brown-y here but vulnerability is the antidote to shame.

When we open up and talk about what’s weighing us down, we realize we aren’t the first person in the world to have this problem and we immediately become lighter.

Which means, you need a crew you can open up to.

I had been wrestling with what to do with a client who didn’t pay their bill. I’d never encountered this before and the situation was escalating and it was on me to figure out how to handle it. Even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was deeply sad to be in the situation. I think my despair that it was even occurring was preventing me from being able to see the way out.

Eventually (I really should have done it sooner), I texted my mastermind group. These badass chicks are all entrepreneurs like me who have seen some things. I poured out my shame and sadness. N and M met me with compassion and support. T said she’d been in the same situation before. 

Me, N, and M: You have??? 

T: Oh yeah, a few times. 

Then T started pitching me the questions that immediately led me to clarity. 

I figured out what to do and how to better prevent these situations from arising in the first place. I didn’t handle it the same way that T handled her bum clients. That’s the thing – I wasn’t necessarily coming to my crew to seek solutions (though suggestions are welcome). In part, it was to seek solace and to hear that I’m not the only one who’s been there and that it’s survivable in the end. That relief is what opened the door to finding the right solution.

I couldn’t have gotten there on my own, when I was bottling it all up inside. 

I needed my crew.

To that end, you need different crews for different parts of your life. I couldn’t ask my breakfast pals about a client who isn’t paying me. They don’t have relevant experience. So where do you need to build a crew? Your first clue will be whatever it is that you’re secretly clinging on to. This is your invite to extend an invite to someone who’s also been there.